Thursday, December 23, 2010

holiday fail.

today I need that mercy we've spoken of.

I just do not have it all together. I don't have all my Christmas cards out. I'm only baking for the neighbors this year... no time for anyone else. I fear the gifts I've purchased for family members will be measly, not enough, on our tight budget, and that people will be disappointed. And yet I can't find another dime to spend... the last one went to Zach's tuition.

My cheer seems to be missing this week... the stress of packing up half the house to put in on the market in a few short weeks has overcome me. The walls are now bare, ready for painting. I'm tired. I've had a lot of work... worked today, will work tomorrow {dragging my annoyed kids along with me, feeling guilty that i have to}.

What can I give? What can I do? I can give my gratitude for even having jobs that help pay bills. I can celebrate my marriage, my kids, my extended family, their health, our health. And, my baby brother got home from a long deployment with the Army, just in time to be with his sweet wife for Christmas. I can adjust my attitude and give thanks.

I still feel like a failure. I didn't get it all done this year and I didn't just laugh about it as I usually do. I'm wallowing. But maybe we can all wallow together, and celebrate anyway. I think this little guy who was born in a manger 2000 years ago didn't come for the perfect ones. I'm pretty sure he came to show me {the haggard old pissed off tired mommy} love, in a weak form, in the middle of the night, in a dog bowl. Someone who loves everyone? Is it true? I don't really know. I sure hope so.


4 comments:

  1. Ok. This is a friendly, loving REALITY CHECK!

    You are a mom to three young, busy children. You have a husband that I am assuming you have a real relationship with, meaning it takes more time. You have work, writing, and all the normal day to day stuff that needs doing.

    PLUS you guys our sending Husband to school meaning more financial, emotional and time stretch.

    PLLUUUSSS: You are having to sort, pack, and clean.

    I'm thinking you have earned yourself a big, fat pass, a direct route, do not stop, pass GO on some grace for yourself.

    You are doing tons. You don't need to do more. Stop. Breath deeply into all your cells and show yourself some grace.

    LOVE YOU.

    T

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  2. thanks Tova!
    needed the pep talk :).
    love you too!

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  3. Dear sweet becca. I have news for you....Christmas is only just about to begin! Tonight's the night! Which means that you have until Epiphany to even call them Christmas cards (and um, I want one, hint hint hint). Unless you're going reallly really old school and then you can celebrate, even keep the tree up, until Candlemass...which is at the very end of Jan or beg of Feb! See, honey, you've got tons of time!!!!!! :)

    On the other hand.....Stop. Step back. Take a deep breath and gaze. See those funny goofy gorgeous kiddos? See that sweet funny husband who is crazy about you? See that shining exciting future shimmering just beyond your little (half packed but it can wait a few more days to do more) house? See you, beautiful you, with your turigeum (sp?) free eyes an your new or almost to be short coif? Do a wide angle panoramic memory snapshot. This is rare air and it's ALL christmas, even the packing boxes. There is NUTHIN, but NUTHIN measly about it.

    Light a candle in the cold tonight and sing your favorite Christmas song.
    It's Christmas, tonight, midnight!!!!! Rejoice and be glad and shed the guilts and gather in the good. I know you see it....it just got kicked under the packing tape for a few......

    You'll be in my prayers this morning for an extra dollop of Christmas joy, with whipped cream on top! Love you! m

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  4. I know this is kind of a sad song, but for some reason, it really got me this year... I see you like a few artists I also like....maybe you'll enjoy this one...it's sad, but beautiful (in my opinion)....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkOKCWDJ4iA

    Congrats on the big decision and making your way through Christmas- what a gorgeous snowy picture from Christmas!

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