Thursday, April 7, 2011

but love, it never fails.

***disclaimer: these are some super personal thoughts that I wrote down awhile ago. I decided to publish this as a reminder to myself, somewhere down the road, when I'm able to do more, to never pass judgment on another mama who may just be having a quiet time in her life. I mean no judgment towards any of you in the midst of a busier time. In many ways I envy you. I'm learning to be very content with how my life is at any given moment. Thanks for your grace!

lately i've been feeling inadequate.
sometimes, reading other people's blogs, or sitting with friends and hearing of their incredible pursuits, leaves me feeling like i'm not doing enough.
the state of the world equals lots of hungry people. lots of children without homes, and lots of debates about who is right and who is wrong in terms of how to care for the least of us.
i loudly hear all sides of the arguments....

-orphan care is better for these kids. pay for their parents to keep them... help them where they are.
-what about those who truly don't have parents or family? keep them in their towns, build bigger and better orphanages.
-sponsor a child.
-no, no! kids need families. step up and adopt. help fund other people's adoptions. do your part.

i personally believe that all of these options are "right."

my problem lies here:
i can't currently participate in any of these "solutions."
I can't donate to a cause.
I can't buy the shirts.
I can't fly across the country and attend benefit parties.
I can't sponsor a child.
I can't adopt.
I can't donate my time.
I can't choose sides and fight for one way over another.
and so i feel left out of so many of these worthy and amazing endeavors, but left out due to my own choices, no one else's.

i'm broke, i'm tired, and i can't imagine giving any less of me to my three, precious children.
some of you can do that... you can do more than i can.

seasons. life has seasons. and i'm in a selfish one.

i wake up some nights sweating over what i'm not doing. i'm not adopting another child. i'm not helping to set up a nonprofit. i'm not giving any money. i'm not writing some inflaming post fighting for a cause. i'm doing nothing to help any of you save the world. (although, i can offer up my prayers and words of support. that i can do.)

and yet, i'm loving my kids. my kids and my husband need ALL of me right now. we're in a time of transition. they're only young once. and sometimes, before, i felt like i was too busy saving the world to pay attention to them. to cherish their every breath.

is it worth saving the rest of the world of i neglect my own kids? not to me. not one bit. i'd forsake the world to make sure they are loved and happy right now. i know this is wrong on a few levels, but it's just how i feel (today). i want to be superwoman who can do it all, but...

right now i'm so, so pleased with just being a mom. (again. i fully admit: selfish. not servant-hearted enough. not ENOUGH.)

i'll jump back in to helping with the rest of the world when the dust settles a bit around here. but for now, i'm right where i should be, and i couldn't be more at peace. truly. i'm at peace... until the guilt creeps in. even the guilt can't override the joy i feel when i have nothing to do other than care for my 7, 5, and 3 year olds. they need their mama, and i want to give them every bit of me now.

loving our kids can never, ever fail. Love never fails you. never.



3 comments:

  1. Hey friend, it's okay. Care for you and yours. Someday when they're more self-sufficient and you find more time on your hands, I know with your heart you will devote that extra time to a worthy cause. Even if that worthy cause is helping your husband. Though due to weakness, I'm not always capable of putting good, intangible energy in the world (like when it took every ounce of energy the other day to not flip off the guy who cut me off and who was making hand gestures at me, and to not then ram my beat up compact car into his fancy SUV, which is in the moment all I could think about wanting to do - total negative energy), I believe in the idea. And if you raise your kids to be bringerss of good energy and light, like I know you're doing, and to teach them to love others and help others in need, like I know you're doing, you have done the world a great service. When I wrote that post about Literacy, I said something like everyone should give their time now or when they're retired... you have given your time before, outside your family, which is way more than a lot of other people have done, (not to cast judgment on them, oh too late, yikes)...and you will again.

    Sometimes too - I think just being a stable minded person does the world a great service, frankly. There are too many NUTBAGS out there (think everyone in the Oklahoma state legislature) who want to do crazy, reactionary, hurtful things. And sometimes it takes a little peace and less responsibility in your life to be stable minded.

    Sending you much, much love.

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  2. Sounds about like the perfect season to be in right now. Enjoy the ride!

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  3. I had a comment all typed up, and then blogger ate it. Boo :(

    So the best-I-can-remember-it version goes something like this:

    I can relate. And no, you aren't in a selfish season. I pulled back from much of my 'activity' outside of our home about 16 months ago. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the 'extra' time, but I just felt like it was the right thing to do. In the last 10 or so months, God has moved in our family in a big way. He asked me to so something that scares me, but we are listening. What some perhaps saw as my 'selfish' season - for I wasn't as committed to church and other activities as before - turned out to be some time to slow down and listen. It's changed my life in more ways than one - and the changes are going to keep coming.
    I LOVE slowing down, simplifying, and just appreciating the relationships that we have with our wonderful friends (since family isn't close by). I can honestly say that I'm happier now than I can ever remember.

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