Welcome to my brain! It's fun in here.
First, let's address this anxiety. I want this thing for my friend more than anything in the world at this moment. Anything. I would do anything to make it work out. This is the one thing I know a lot about: adoption. But still, I have zero control over how this will play out. I need to wait, pray, be patient. It's eating away at my soul. I'm hopeful and full of anxiety. Praying for the next few days to go well.
Second, and trust me, this confession will shine a blinding light on my selfishness, I am completely jealous of my husband right now. I'll get over it in about 2 hours, but still, when this jealousy hits, I'm a real pill. Here's the thing... we've both been working really hard towards this goal of dental school. I pushed him to go for it, to leave his job that he didn't like. I counseled him to reach for it. We worked through fears and hesitations, and I consistently pushed and coached and insisted that he go for it. I worked a lot to pay for his pre-req classes, and took care of the kids and the house by myself so that he could kick ass in those classes. He got in to school, and now he's doing great. Sooooo, you ask, what the hell is my problem?
My problem is that, even though I have worked my ass off to get him to this point, he'll be the one with all the honor. He's the one who will get the degree. He'll be the Doctor. He'll have something to show for all this hard work- He'll be able to get a great, well-paying, hugely satisfying job after he's done with his training. He'll get the respect.
I'm in the shadows. I feel just as responsible for getting to this point as he does, but I won't have the degree to show for it. I won't get the honor or the respect. I won't be able to go get a better job. I won't be able to provide for my kids if something happens to him (I mean, I will be able to work as a social worker, but it's not like there's a lot of respect there). It's a weird feeling to have worked this hard, and to know that there's nothing official for me at the end of this long road.
I suppose it's this way for any life partner in the "support" role, not to mention the "stay at home parent" role. Roles that don't get a whole lot of respect from anyone, even though we, the supporters, are making things run behind the scenes.
I second guess myself every day. I think, "what kind of example am I setting for my kids, especially my daughter? I'm "just" as stay at home mom. I'm not a doctor or lawyer. I'm nothing. I'll continue to be nothing. And yet, I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't want anyone else raising my kids. That was my choice. I am intelligent and capable of much. But I've chosen this support role. Do I regret it? Sometimes, yes. I feel that I've wasted my education, let my parents down, let myself down, and embarrassed my teachers and my in-laws who thought I was capable of going much further with my life and my career.
Yes, let's remember, this is a confession. I'm NOT happy or proud of myself for having these thoughts. The support role in life IS important. My kids? Their lives are more important to me than any higher degree or prestigious job- I know this. Sometimes, though, I feel like I've failed.
What's the point of all this? I have no idea. Maybe I will go back to school too, once my kids are a bit older. Maybe society will shift a little and note that people in support roles are important, somehow. Maybe the dental school will add my name to the degree as "life coach" (ha!). What to do in the meantime?
Enjoy life. That's what I need to focus on. Why oh why am I always looking so far ahead? How is my selfishness and whoa-is-me attitude helping me or my family? It's not. I will not get these years back, so I shouldn't wish them away. I don't want to miss my kids' little life moments. I don't want to miss being the one to snuggle with them when they're sick and need to stay home from school. I don't want to miss sneaking up on moments like this:
|Leah teaching Pete some of the piano that she's been learning|
|i don't want to waste the years when their feet don't touch the ground yet...|