church

Raise your hand if you are a Christian and church is one of the most complicated aspects of your whole life... ME!!! 

My church experience growing up was actually much different than the accounts I hear from my friends who have been deeply scarred by what they encountered. I was raised in various churches and denominations around the country because my parents moved. So we mainly were with the Lutheran and United Methodist churches. Women were allowed to be pastors, I was never told to burn secular books or CDs, politics were never mentioned, and I never once heard that someone was "bad" because of their sexuality. However, I was never in anything but a church body made up by 98% white people, and I was always very aware of that. 

I went into college with a solid understanding of the character of Jesus and that all people were loved. But it was in college that I encountered what I now know are "evangelicals." These friends swept me up into an tidal wave of emotionalism, and I loved it. I loved the more radical way of worship, with eyes closed and hands raised. I loved the genuine prayers and the deeper search for biblical truths. I loved the connection I felt with God and the powerful spiritual lessons I was learning. My experiences were much different from the stiff, more reserved services I was used to. I never doubted that the more traditional Christian churches loved Jesus. I just had a lot more fun learning in this new "evangelical" style I was introduced to. I did miss the liturgy and beauty of the "high church" I had been attending, but it didn't occur to me that this order was important. 

There were several times during my college years, however, that I was very taken aback by a comment or sentiment shared with me by friends who didn't find my new style of worship very endearing (those examples are easy to report- they thought I was crazy), OR from friends who had been steeped in this style their whole lives. For example, from the latter group, I was sitting around chatting with some of my newfound evangelical friends one evening when I mentioned the death of one of my dear high school friends. She was Jewish, and I was discussing what I had learned from her and her family about what Judaism taught about the afterlife.  A girl stopped me in a very condescending manner and said "Oh no, she wasn't saved. there is no way your friend is in heaven." This was a shocking statement to me, as I had never heard someone speak like this before. I sat silently not knowing how to respond, because it sounded so ridiculous. How on earth did this girl know where my friend was? 

Another example from an evangelical friend occurred during my senior year of college when he revealed he was gay. He was crying and telling me this, and I was thinking (and saying), "so? what's the problem?" and he taught me that many evangelicals see this as a sin. Again I was taken aback, because growing up my parents welcomed gay couples into our home and it was never a thing. I had asked my dad about it once, and he said "I don't care what anyone does in their bedroom- that's none of my business. God loves all His children." So that was that. As I hugged my friend I was genuinely still confused about why he was so upset. He said "Becca. Our other friends are very sad and say I need to repent. But this is who I am." and I said of course- I had always known he was gay. He laughed and laughed. I just never was taught that being gay was a sin. I was taught that promiscuity and acting like a total asshole were sins, but that being gay was just a part of who someone was. Like when did I wake up and decide to be straight? To me this wasn't a choice. 

As my husband and I moved through married adult life, we also continued to move into evangelical church communities. But my relationship with the church only got more and more complicated as I began to notice that evangelical churches rarely allowed women to preach or be in leadership. Then I noticed that there were definitely no gay people who would stay for more than a few weeks, the racial segregation of the churches I attended was always concerning, and then things started getting really political. I was thinking what the heck is going on here? I remember discussing things like abortion and that there was no way I could judge a woman for having to make that choice. I remember someone telling me that using an IUD was "murder." I remember someone telling me that voting for Obama was very sinful. That's about when my husband and I walked away. 

We've tried to come back, and we have, but each time I get more and more disappointed and sad about what I see as a complete disregard for the actual Gospel of Christ. With all the recent upheaval in America, particularly with White people starting to finally wake up to the truth of our racist history, as well as "controversial" topics like mask wearing, I keep hearing evangelical leaders asking us to "see things through a gospel lens." And I'm thinking "I don't know what gospel you're looking at" as I see churches continue to look away from the truth that racism is deplorable and mask wearing is loving thy neighbor. 

Most recently I've had discussions with church leaders around why women aren't allowed to teach and why we can't boldly confront the racists among us. I've been left without any good answers. The bible is clear that racism is a no-go so not sure why we can't get that outta here. The bible doesn't seem to be clear on NOT allowing women to be pastors. I'm no expert but didn't Jesus lean heavily on the wisdom and knowledge of his female mentors while he was on earth? And isn't the Bible clear that we are all one in Christ? That's what I was taught. To not see the church act on those things and many others doesn't seem very Gospel-like to me. When I stand up and see a slew of spiritual orphans, cast out for their debatable "sins" of being gay, but the racists are allowed to stay without an utterance of disapproval, I can't associate with that "gospel lens" anymore. 

But OH do I love Jesus and all he stood for. The Holy Spirit leads me daily. I count myself as a believer but I'm not sure if many churches agree. Are we only welcomed with conditions? I absolutely adore Jesus and I'm thankful for my faith, my faithful praying friends, and so many in my community who love and care for the downtrodden and each other. I've been taught tremendous love and sacrifice by so many amazing Christian people. But the church as a whole... this is where I am really struggling, just to be completely transparent. We will make it back to somewhere. I know there is a place for us this side of heaven, but I'm just not sure where that is. 

Taylor Swift is one of our family's favorite artists and she surprised us all with a new album this week. I'm sure she didn't intend for her song "hoax" to be interpreted by me as a song about how the church has broken my heart, but I'm also sure that she wouldn't mind my interpretation. Artists create to help others feel, contemplate, and work through experiences. So I know Taylor would be okay with me using her song to sit in my feelings about the church as a whole and about my church. I'm sad and I'm hurt on behalf of myself and my friends who have been scarred and broken down by institutions that are supposed to represent Love, Mercy, and Grace. Luckily I know that my hope is in Christ alone, and I know that He truly welcomes all, even if the church won't.