41

It has been seven years since I sat down to write. Seven years seems like an eternity and the blink of an eye. Seven years ago I was in nursing school, we lived in a different town, and my current teenagers were school aged, vibrant young children. 

I've been longing to create again, to create with words what others are able to create with a camera or a paintbrush or magical vocal cords or bodies. Often I wish I had been gifted some talent, and then I remember I will always have words. Not big fancy words. I'm a common girl with dreams of being a real writer someday, but this feels about as far as I can reach for now. Anne Lamott teaches us just to start. Just write, or feel regretful that you didn't, so here I am. 

I haven't gone down memory lane to see what I've written here before. I'm almost afraid to look. Aren't we all a little embarrassed by our younger selves? How much we thought we knew... What we thought was hard... our bold attempts at being seen and validated. The way aging softens our edges and sharpens our wisdom is a beautiful testament to life lived. The daily grind that slowly but surely washes away pride, arrogance, and knowing. I'm grateful for the time gathered up in the recesses of my body and mind. Inwardly showing as patience and humility. Outwardly showing as wrinkles and lumps. Oh but who would trade it? We are the lucky ones. So lucky to be here. 

Today I am 41. Sometimes longing for the simpler days but never wanting to regret the decisions we've made or the blessings we've received. It has been a wild ride. Many have followed our family journey via other social media outlets, friends and family from near and far. What I hope for this place to write is that I will dig a little deeper, and give a little glimpse into what is flowing just below the surface of the smiles and laughter and good news. Those things will make appearances too, of course. But I long for real, for raw, for expression. Life gives enormously wonderful gifts and also some deep pits we help each other out of, right? 

As I dive deeper into my forties, I want to invite hearts to see what I see while I continue to learn abundantly by seeking out different perspectives. From the view of a mom through birth, adoption, and foster care, a wife, a sister, a friend, a nurse, a writer. A person with big feelings about inequity, racial injustice, children's rights, God, and all the other stuff. Complexities that overlap daily and need to be emotionally managed. And the big, huge acknowledgement that I wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't be able to take another breath, without the heaping piles of grace and mercy I receive every day. Really, my main hope as you read is that you will feel challenged, encouraged, and laugh a little too. Thanks for coming along for the ride. I have 5 kiddos now, so the frequency with which I will publish is yet to be seen. Oh, and for the record, we are in the middle of a global pandemic!  I'm glad to be back and hope to see you here again soon.